By Maya Bussinger, Margaret Ralston and Avery Maliszewski

Bear River student Austin Phipps accuses his family dog of bombing his house, which resulted in the absence of his math homework. Officials are looking into the incident and investigating the dog.

“How the heck did a freaking dog get its paws on a government missile!?” said freshman Rachel Sartori, Phipps’ neighbor. Sartori and her family have been housing the Phipps family during these troubling times.

“The whole neighborhood is paranoid of that dog, Blaze.” Sartori explained. “She has been acting suspicious lately. She is PURE EVIL!”

Phipps explains his side of the story, stating the series of events that led to this disaster.

“The football … he got the nuclear football from Biden,” Phipps said. “I was playing Fortnite with my bestest friend in the world, Joseph Biden, and Trump wasn’t getting on the call, and so we were going duos, and then my horrible mother walked in and told me to take out the trash. Oh, she gets on my nerves sometimes. So I walk away. Sleepy Joe leaves that darn nuclear football just laying there and my dog hates democracy.

“So, you know, one thing led to another.”

Phipps fears this will be a turning point in his good relations with his math teacher, and the end of his valedictorian standing.

“My homework blowing up was probably the worst thing that happened all day,” said Phipps. “Nakano threatened to give me an F on my homework. Why’d he do that? Not my fault Sleepy Joe left a nuclear football with my dog. I just don’t think it’s right.”

Phipps’ math teacher, Gayne Nakano, expressed concern on the matter of the missing homework. Even a nuclear missile attack will not deter this math teacher from what is clearly the leading concern: absence of homework.

“The result of this case will determine whether I deduct points off of Austin’s homework,” Nakano said. “He will probably have to redo it, if I feel like it. Austin’s a pretty smart kid … sometimes.”

It is rumored that Blaze has been placed in a secret government cell where she cannot access more government missiles. It turns out the government cell was not much of a secret, making it incredibly accessible to interview her.

“Woof! Bark woof woof bark. Bark … (What! I would never secretly access government launch codes and precisely aim at my family’s home to destroy Austin’s homework. Who would ever come up with that idea?),” Blaze said as she wagged her tail, which is not normal, reports her family.

She later goes on to chew her foot, as most dogs do.

Upon being asked how she might have accessed the government missiles, Blaze replied quite suspiciously. “Woof woof woof woof, BARK, bark woof. Woof bark woof! (Well it is actually quite simple- oh gosh I mean, I have no idea what you are talking about. I am just a ludicrous dog!),” she responded.

Phipps is not too worried about the blame of the missile attack being redirected towards him. He believes that Blaze has proven to be untrustworthy in the presence of professionals.

“I think the police believe me,” he said. “That’s the only thing that matters. See, they didn’t believe me at first when I started saying my dog this and my dog that, but then my dog pulled a gun from their holster, then he started saying something in German. The cops have been on my side since then.”

Her family had mentioned that Blaze had an abnormal past, which might lead to her having a higher IQ. Mr. Bus, the father of Austin Phipps and the owner Blaze, explained how this might be.

“Well for starters, she was born next to a nuclear power plant,” said Mr. Bus. “We found her on the side of the road after she broke out of her family’s home. She could always find a way to escape her previous homes. Well, one day we were at a park and she ingested a glowing crystal in a bush. Scientists say it was extra terrestrial and they couldn’t seem to extract it.”

Mr. Bus continues to state the concerns he has had about Blaze and regrets taking her in as the family pet.

“Lately, I have been questioning picking up Blaze on the side of the road,” he said. “I wish I would have noticed her weird behavior.”

Mr. Bus is currently filing appointments for CAT scans to see how Blaze’s brain works and if she is allowed to return home. Blaze is currently forbidden from being near government missiles.

Bear River vice principal Catherine Peterson is taking the necessary precautions to ensure the safety of her students during this uncertain time.

“We are currently securing an investigation into the bombing of Austin Phipp’s house.” Ms. Peterson states. “We are taking this case very seriously because the absence of math homework is not a matter to be taken lightly.”

Peterson has been seen pulling witnesses to ask them about the case.

“I have no idea what this is about but this dog is crazy!” said an anonymous witness. “Bear River is currently spreading awareness of dogs getting their ‘paws’ on government missiles and launch codes. We are also pushing to introduce a new elective: Safety Against Dog Related Government Bombings, or SAD RBG. The staff at Bear River care deeply about the students and we want to ensure that they know what to do when it comes to dangerously smart dogs.”

The terror this missile attack caused affected the surrounding area of the Phipps’ residence. Upon being asked how he believes his neighbors are faring after the incident, Phipps leaves the reporters with some kind and inspiring words.

“Well, I think most of America was affected by this event,” said Phipps. “I guess everyone’s my neighbor in a way. Love thy neighbor. Don’t cheat on your wife. Don’t know how those two align.”

After a rough trial, the jury had determined that Blaze was guilty, but she may return home with the restriction of staying away from government missiles. Blaze has been heavily monitored and was last reported seen dropping a bomb in the backyard.